Managing Incompatibility

Incompatibility doesn’t automatically mean you and your partner should break up, but it means that you have some important things to talk about and it’s Okay! According to Thomas Edward(Psychologist, Biologist, educator and founder of “The Professional Wingman”) Incompatibility has a lot to do with, “wanting to be in a relationship, moving toward marriage, having children and staying in the same city”, If you are not on the same page when it comes to these important goals, your future plans aren’t compatible. Compatibility is all about who the two of you are individually, how you think of your life works out to be as a couple. Incompatibility really comes down to whether two of you have aligned thoughts, and are looking forward in life in a similar direction. According to Edward “compatibility” is comprehensive and it looks different for everyone. Initially a relationship can still work if you don’t share the same value, whether it’s about marriage, jobs, or having kids. If you both remain adamant to your values and neither of you are willing to make amend in the relationship, you’ll run into issues with your relationship down the road. The easiest and most effective way to know that, if you are incompatible, is either you or your partner unwilling to modify a value or part of your life, that you are hoping from them to do, so you don’t have to modify yours,”Edward says”. "If there is a line drawn in the sand and neither person wants to make adjustments that type of statement proves incompatibility"

When you are fighting over the same argument again and again and find yourself having the same conversation over and over again without a resolution, it shows you are facing an incompatibility issue. Fighting is good for a healthy relationship to thrive, you talk about issues that concern you, a compatible couple will work together to resolve their arguments. If you and your partner find this to be a problem, it might come down to incompatibility. Incompatibility doesn’t mean that your relationship is doomed, or that you don’t love each other. It just means you have to work a little extra hard to make it work. We understand how you and your partner are in the relationship for a long time, we believe tackling the incompatibility requires a comprehensive approach hence our therapy includes “discussion” to open up the differences which you or your spouse may find threatening. We observed that oftentimes such discussions become the basis of deeper and richer relationships. We believe there are no “right” ways to resolve value level issues, except in cases of abuse, therapy isn’t a forum of training couples towards an ideal relationship. Instead we think it’s our job to provide a safe and supportive environment for you to surface value-level differences and to come to a comfortable agreement or atleast mutual tolerance about these issues. When there is no possibility of resolution at least you could come away with a better understanding about what you and your partner stand for individually, and what you want in a relationship. Incompatibility is a commonly used ground for legally dissolving marriage. We have found that fidelity, trust issues, finances and sexual incompatibility are the frequently brought topics to the table by the couples to dissolve marriage.

Fidelity : For a marriage to last, we believe couples need to have a clear understanding of what they expect from each other and themselves in terms of sexual attraction to others. The spectrum of what people believe to be acceptable is huge. There are no quick fixes to the issues you’re dealing with. Unfortunately most of us are raised with a lot of creative options. Some couples agree to a non-monogamous relationship marriage as long as each of them are discreet about it. Others insist that even a close friendship with another person threatens the relationship. We believe it’s crucial for a couple to define clearly about their expectations and facilitate them with an environment to talk about what truly means to them and their willingness to abide by them.

Trust Issues : Without trust a relationship cannot last, there needs to be a difference between privacy and toxic secrecy. A marriage is sustainable only if each member is committed to being worthy of each other’s trust as defined. However each of you must commit to an engaging conversation with others. If you or your spouse want to change the basic agreement about what is and what isn’t permissible, it needs to be addressed in a controlled environment under a neutral person(Therapist) so that he/she can handle it if the situation escalates. In some cases, there would be pointed disagreement on how to respond to the needs of the older generation (Maternal/ Paternal Parents). Some couples struggle with the fact, how they should accommodate the needs of their children prior to their issues and we help with addressing them with the involvement of CBT(Cognitive Behaviour Therapy). In some cases there is disagreement about how much time each person spends with their own friends. We understand that no good can come of either individual, feeling forced to choose between people important to them.

Sexual Incompatibility : Sexual incompatibility is a conflict between two partner’s about sexual needs. This includes you finding your partner’s preference, turned off by your partner, and you withholding from your spouse or not wanting sexual intimacy as often as they desire it. Love and Intimacy aren’t the same, though both contribute to our sexual identity. There is a lot of saying that “Only we can determine our own sexuality” and can confuse anyone who isn’t a medical professional. You need to find a way to talk to your partner about intimacy without blaming one another. Talking about intimacy isn’t easy, therefore we facilitate the talking by suggesting some ground rules on the basis of your relationship and push you further to talk about sexual communication. Your previous sexual history might also be helpful while talking about your preferences. The issues which are particularly more complicated and can be so emotional, you might not be able to talk about it easily and chances are the other individual may receive a wrong signal, so it’s an effective approach to have a therapist as a modulator who can help in making your conversation light with productive outcomes.

Finances : There are strong stereotypical beliefs about how money should be earned, spent and managed which lead to developing intricacies over time. Particularly in a family when both individuals are earning, but paternal/maternal family don’t count your contribution and keep forcing you to quit the job and do the household chores, are observed to be the root cause of fight and divorce. Major differences between the habits of your spouse spending and saving need to be hashed out, if you are looking forward to life with them. Neither of you should feel left alone, disregarded or taken advantage of when it comes to finances. It’s not unusual to talk about parenting, balancing home and family or individual’s career and to negotiate to the needs of both individuals. Assumptions about these things could land you in conflicts, so you have to be clear about it. The process of coming to a mutual understanding and agreement about value level issues is difficult and even painful but if done well, it could deepen and strengthen your relationship. As Leo Tolstoy beautifully said about the incompatibility.